Monday, August 27, 2007

You know you're over 30 when...

You take your son to a water park and make a complete fool out of yourself while trying to prove that you are still young!

I used to be a bit of a thrill seeker ("used to be" being the operative words here) so I thought I would be brave and try the Great White while my friend Melissa sat in the kiddie area with the kids (This was Melissa's brilliant idea, I might add.) "The Great White awaits those who dare to defy gravity and live for speed (yup, that's me). Its 41 foot vertical drop sends you flying up a ramp on the far side of the slide, only to come down again in a giant zigzag motion." No big deal, right?

Well, for starters, I forgot to remove my flip flops prior to climbing the 38 flights of stairs so when I got to the top the tan, teeny bopper, park attendant said I would have to tuck them into my top! For most people, I am sure that this would not have been a problem but I am not most people. I have HUGE feet and my flip flops look more like water skis. So, here I am sitting in the tube with water ski-sized flip flops sticking out of my top. Pretty picture-huh? At least I gave the kids behind me something to talk, um laugh, about. The park attendant proceeds to tell me to put my chin to my chest (oh-no, did she see my chin hairs?) and lift my bum off the tube- clearly she did not see the size of my bum!! This is all too much for me to focus on- chin to chest, flip flops stuffed in top, bum off tube. I can't possibly be expected to remember all of this, can I? I am after all, the old lady on the ride! Ok, so here we go, down the 41 foot vertical drop. What was I thinking, I feel like I am going to fall right over top of the tube. Did she push me? Focus, focus-chin to chest, flip flops stuffed in top, oh shit, I knew I would forget something and the minute I felt the water rip against my butt I knew what it was- bum off tube!! OWWW, can you say atomic wedgie?! Why didn't I think to put the flip flops under my butt! Ok, let's try again, chin to chest, flip flops flying out of my top, bum off tube- FLIP FLOPS FLYING OUT OF MY TOP!! You have got to be kidding me; can this get any worse? Well, at least I remembered to lift my bum off the tube. I guess having my water ski-sized flip flops fly out of my top is better than the alternative of having my bum ripped off. Thank goodness the ride is almost over. I figure not much more can happen as I zigzag back and forth towards the safety of the exit pool. Apparently, figuring is not my stong suit as I end up flipping my tube over and end up upside down in the pool. I come up, all pride washed away, pick my bathing suit out of my butt, only to see the other tan, teeny bopper, park attendant standing there with eyes the size of oranges and her chin hanging down to where my flip flops were originally stuffed, asking if I am ok?! I smile, nodding, as I tuck my tail between my legs, and prepare to head back to the kiddie pool where clearly I should not have ventured from in the first place. Damn it- where are my water skis, I mean flip flops? I turn around and see the tan, teeny bopper park attendant fishing them out of the water as they float in behind me. When I get back to the kiddie pool, thankful that my son did not witness this humiliation, Melissa asks how it was. Being the great friend that I am, I smile and simply say, "Great, you should try it!" (Ok, so I altered the ending a little but this version is way better!)

Grace I am not, I never had much of it, but a thirty something mother of two who is not afraid to make a fool out herself I am. There could be worse things in life, right? RIGHT?

5 comments:

Amy said...

You are way more brave than I am! I like my role of 30-something yr. old mother/pack-mule. We go to the theme parks and I carry stuff (like flip-flops), buy snacks, take pictures, and look around for tan park attendants to look at!!

Katie said...

Hilarious! You are much braver than I am.

your momma said...

That was soooooo funny. I would have done it with you, if I were there!!!!!! Love Ya!

Melissa said...

Thanks for the throwing me to the wolves! Luckily, I am not over 30...I'm exactly 30, so it wasn't as traumatizing for me. Except that I SCREAMED ALL the way down! Kind of like the day I went off the high diving board at the pool...

The Smith Boys said...

We have to do this again this summer! I mean taking the kids to Water World, not embarassing ourselves on a water slide! Ha!